Not Taking Offense

Once this habit is well established you have the delightful situation of a human saying things with the express purpose of offending and yet having a grievance when offence is taken. – The Screwtape Letters | C.S. Lewis

The “habit,” of which Wormwood speaks, is that of having an “over-sensitive interpretation of the tone and the context and the suspected intention.” To state it differently, it is to always assume innocence in the words and tone “I” use, and at the same time always assume malice and intent to harm in the words and speech of any other. This habit, once it has taken root,–worse still when it has begun to sprout in the heart–supposedly hears the “real” meaning through the words being said, and those left unsaid. An example. Let’s call her Mary and him Steve. At the dinner table, Steve might be asked, please pass the salt. But his heart, which has taken on this habit “hears” Mary say instead, you knew that I have had a long day. More than that, I worked hard on this meal. The least thing that you could do, Steve, is to think of me and so place the salt where it is easy to reach. In fact, you could have even offered it to me before I asked. Is that too much to ask? And so, Steve hears in Mary’s tone a grumble, a complaint, a hint of dissatisfaction, annoyance, and irritation. Of course, in all of this, Mary simply wanted the salt and so she asked for it.

The reason these types of circumstances arise–and we have all experienced something like them to a certain degree–is because love is lacking. For, to presume Mary’s intent as Steve does–to have this habit established–is only the working out of a lack of love. It may even be the case that Steve, in some way, is animated by hatred toward Mary, though not in the fullest and most cruel sense of the word. For what else can explain why he would willingly presume negatively on her when so simple a request–please pass the salt–was made? (Certainly, in other situations, “Mary” may speak out of hatred towards Steve. And so, in such circumstances, she is trying to communicate her irritation, if not disdain, for “Steve,” all the while not saying it outright. But that is not the scenario we consider here.)

Holy living, when it comes to our speech and our listening, sprouts forth out of the love God has for us. And from this soil of divine love grows our love for others. This means that as those who speak, we are able–and ought–to say words of blessing and encouragement to others and be honest with our intentions. We also are able to say things that are true, and at times hard for others to receive, all the while there being no animus in our heart. Do you think Jesus hated the woman caught in adultery when he said Go and sin no more? (Jn 8) Was it not, rather, love at work, naming her actions as sin and forgiving her all the same? So, holy living regarding our speech, sets out to speak the truth having first loved the other.

Holy living, when it comes to our listening to others, does not seek to be offended by others, fabricating false intentions in order for the listener to lash out in return. Rather, holy living regarding our listening is patient. It gives room to the one speaking. It desires to hear from the other. And, when words are spoken which can be taken either negatively or positively, it presumes–its first and immediate inclination is–to side with the positive interpretation of the words. In the case of Mary and Steve, Steve would have simply assumed that all Mary wanted was the salt. Period. No ulterior motive. No encoded message to decipher. While this little scenario with Mary and Steve and the salt may seem rather innocuous, the habits of the heart are shaped in deep ways by such small, and seemingly insignificant, experiences, just as a river carves its way deep into the rock only by its simple, persistent trickle.

So, rather than saying things with the express purpose of offending and yet having a grievance when offence is taken, as Screwtape encourages Wormwood, instill in your hearts, through habit, a holy love of one another, that we might speak truthfully and listen with humility.